The Week of Lasts

This is going to be a tough week! I am less than 3 weeks away from surgery and beginning to freak out a bit. Saturday starts my pre-op diet...2 weeks of preparing for the big day. The day that is more and more scaring me to death for a number of reasons.

This weekend, I went to the grocery store, thinking about all of the foods that I wanted to eat before beginning the pre-op diet. I literally held back tears thinking about "losing" all the foods that have been there for me in times of sadness, frustration, and stress. What in the world will I do without my food?! I know that eventually I will be able to enjoy some of them in small amounts again, but wow, I didn't expect to have these feelings, to mourn the impeding loss of food. How pathetic is this?! Totally pathetic! Clearly, something I need to address. I have an appointment this Tuesday with a counselor that came recommended from a co-worker. Someone that works with clients before, during, and after weight loss surgery. I am so ready to learn new strategies to deal with this addiction.

I know that surgery is the right thing for me to do. I am back to my almost highest weight....240.4 this morning on the scale. I can't do it on my own. For the past 4 weeks or so, I've been relying on the surgery to make excuses for eating pretty much anything I wanted. In fact, when I think back to when the weight gain started again, it probably coincides with making the deposit for the surgery. Again, totally pathetic, but the honest and brutal truth.

Today in my inbox arrived the first email from the company that I am using for this adventure. That means I'm less than 3 weeks out. See below for the pre-op diet....interesting. Doable, I think. I am going to try and stay as busy as possible, so I don't think about food. I am going to closely monitor my emotions, journal, and watch a lot of tv to distract myself from the feelings that I have, in the past, simply eaten away. I have a couple of busy weeks ahead of me at work. That should help with the transition to the diet.

This is it. This has got to be it. I want to feel good. I want to be healthy. I sat at the YMCA today as my daughter had swim lessons, watching all the women who, at least on the outside, appear so confident. I miss that feeling. I want to be the gorgeous mom in the swimsuit, splashing around in the pool with her kids, lounging in the hot tub, not afraid to shower and get dressed in the locker room. All I could think about was how long will it take me to achieve that....I'm ready....mostly that is.

Your Important Dates* for Surgery on Saturday, February 18, 2017:

• Start your 14 day pre-operative diet on Saturday, February 4, 2017.
• Discontinue vitamins, Aspirin, Ibuprofen, Motrin, Advil, Aleve, Nuprin, and any NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) on Saturday, February 11, 2017.
• Take a laxative as instructed on Wednesday, February 15, 2017 in the evening before going to bed.
• Start your clear liquid diet on Thursday, February 16, 2017.
• Continue with clear liquids all day up to midnight on Friday, February 17, 2017 or 8 hours prior to surgery on Saturday, February 18, 2017.

After your surgery:

• Stay on your clear liquid diet the first week after surgery all the way through Friday, February 24, 2017.
• Week 2 - Transition from clear liquid diet to full liquid diet starting Saturday, February 25, 2017.
• Week 3 - Transition from the full liquid diet to puree diet starting Saturday, March 4, 2017.
• Week 4 - Transition from the puree to soft mechanical diet Saturday, March 11, 2017.
• Week 5 & 6 - Begin adding normal foods slowly one by one.

14 Days Prior to Surgery:

Do not smoke, this might make you feel anxiety, tension and frustration, restlessness, and a depressed mood. Know your triggers and use E-Cigs, vapor cigs, Nicorette gum, etc. to help.

No more carbonated drinks, not even diet. Regular caffeinated coffee and tea are ok.

Use any pre-mixed, canned or bottled protein drink that contains at least 15 grams of protein and try to keep them under 250 calories. There are many brands of protein drinks available in stores and on line. Costco, Walmart, Walgreens, GNC, and others have many acceptable product choices.

BREAKFAST: 
1 protein shake

LUNCH: 
1 protein shake and small green salad.

You can drink unlimited zero calorie flavored water: i.e.; Crystal Lite, Mio, Zero Calorie PowerAde, tea, sugar free Kool-Aid, water, regular caffeinated coffee and tea. Try to wean yourself off caffeinated drinks.

DINNER: 
Salad with one form of protein like chicken, fish, tofu, 1/2 cup of legumes, small shrimp, or hard boiled egg.

For women the protein portion should be 6 oz, for men 8 oz.

You can have any non-starchy vegetables like carrots, tomatoes, zucchini, cauliflower, green onions, cucumbers, alfalfa sprouts, bell peppers, with a small amount of low fat dressing, fat free dressing or olive oil and vinegar.

EVENING SNACK: 
1 protein shake.

You can have unlimited carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, cucumbers and one small plain Greek style yogurt with ranch seasoning per day as a veggie dip. 

7 Days Prior to Surgery:

Discontinue vitamins, Aspirin, Ibuprofen, Motrin, Advil, Aleve, Nuprin, and any NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs). This includes baby aspirin and many arthritis medications. These medications can increase the chance of bleeding post operatively.

For headaches, body pain, or colds, use any Tylenol products sold over the counter.

Please stop any herbal medications and home remedies at this time.

3 Days Prior to Surgery:

Consume only clear liquids.

These include; broths, teas, waters, sugar free Jell-O, sugar free popsicles, juices like cranberry, apple, grape.

Only drink clear juices that have no sugar added.

You can dilute the juice to a 60% juice/40% water ratio.

You can drink one to three Isopure® Zero Carb Protein Waters per day to help curb hunger and prepare you for healing. This is available at many sites online and at GNC stores.

Take ONE laxative, ANY brand and only once. This can be repeated only once in this 36 hour period.

1 Day Prior to Surgery:

Continue with clear liquids all day up to midnight or 8 hours prior to surgery.

Absolutely no medications at this point unless you have specific instructions from your doctor/surgeon. You can take your approved medications with a small sip of water.

Please bring ALL of your medications with you in their original prescription bottles with the original labels. Do not take ANY medications post operatively without discussing with your surgeon as when to restart your medications.

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight or 8 hours prior to surgery.

NOTE: At any time you feel weak or dizzy on this pre op diet, sit down, rest, sip some regular juice right away, and eat something from your currently allowed foods.

Why Weight Loss Surgery?

I have continued to struggle with weight since my last post, although I will say that I was able to eliminate sugar and most processed foods for close to three weeks, leaving me feeling better and healthier. However, I was, as usual the case, not able to maintain this lifestyle and have fallen back into the "oh well, it's too late now anyway, so I might as well eat" state of mind. This has only gotten worse over the holidays and today, January 1, I weighed in at 238 pounds. While that is 4 pounds less than my highest weight in August, it is 5 pounds more than what I weight before birthing two children and certainly much above anything close to healthy. In fact, according to my BMI, I fall into the Obese I class. And yes, I know that BMI isn't everything; in my case, however, it is pretty accurate. And although I have always tried to find proof that would show that I'm not THAT heavy, there really is no denying it. I am fat, and I have to change something about it. I am not longer willing to live a lonely life because of the way I feel and look. I am no longer willing to hide. I want to live. Life is not over; there is much left to live for.

Several other twin moms have successfully completed gastric bypass and gastric sleeve surgeries. They look stunning and, at least according to Facebook, live great lives. And we all know that Facebook is REAL! Ha, no seriously, I am a leader in many ways, but also a follower in many more ways. When I see others succeed, my competitive nature sets in. I want to do not just the same, I want to do better! If they can do it, why can't I? And so I will.

I have unsuccessfully dieted for the past 15 years. I have developed a truly unhealthy relationship with food. It is time to end that relationship. I'm breaking up with emotional eating, stress eating, and eating out of boredom. But I can't do it on my own. Believe me, I have tried. I have been on any and all diets out there...from cabbage soup, to Weight Watchers, to HcG, to low carb/high protein...if it exists, I've tried it. And although sometimes there were small successes, I was not able to maintain any kind of loss long-term. In fact, true to the promise of yo-yo dieting, I gained everything back and then some. I need a tool that won't do the work for me entirely, but that will help me make better choices.

What will this all look like? I am learning as I'm going. Right now, I know this: I paid my deposit to secure a surgery date for sleeve gastrectomy. During the procedure, my stomach will be significantly reduced. This will force me to eat less, change my food choices, and be more intentional about what I put in my mouth. Because my BMI isn't high enough (isn't that pathetic...."you're not fat enough for weight loss surgery"), my insurance does not cover bariatric surgery. So, I am traveling to Mexico for the procedure, to Tijuana to be more specific. I have followed a Facebook group for some time now and feel 100% confident (most days) that this is the right decision for me. This is not the beginning of the end...this is truly the beginning of the best years of my life yet. I do have worries about the trip and what might follow afterwards and will address those in a future post. For now, just trust me when I say that I have spent many hours thinking about, wrestling with myself, researching, and talking to others about what options I have. This is the first step in finding my new self.

Your support is greatly appreciated, but not necessarily required. I know that there will be some (perhaps many) who will say that I just haven't tried hard enough. There might be others who call me crazy for traveling to a foreign country and putting my life in the hands of some Mexican doctors who I have never met before. My hope, however, is that there are many of you who can understand the struggles that I have faced for so many years. I'm strong on the outside and don't share my inner thoughts with many so these struggles might come as a surprise to many of you. I'm not proud of my struggles, not proud of the thoughts that I have on a daily basis. I hope that you can find compassion and empathy for the challenges I have experienced and might continue to experience as I go through this journey. I hope that you will ask questions, that you will show kindness and patience, and that you will allow me to adjust to my new self, whatever that might look like. If you cannot be supportive, I simply ask that you keep your thoughts to yourself. Start a blog yourself, if you want...it's refreshing! Don't pretend that you understand or care when you don't; but, if you can relate to the struggles, reach out to me and connect with me. It's a lonely life, and I wish I had connected with others much sooner.

My journey starts with a pre-op diet (hopefully the last one ever!) on February 4, followed by surgery on February 18. The countdown to the new me is on!

New Years Eve 2016

This is it!

When is enough actually enough? I thought that I had reached my lowest low several times over the past six months, but that was not the case, as I am still sitting here on the evening of August 15, contemplating how in the world I can commit to sticking to a healthier diet and exercise regime. Instead of motivating me to change my habits, these comments and feelings have pushed me further and further into an unhealthy state of mind, a lack of self-love and self-respect, and overall sadness.

“Mom, why is your stomach so fat?’ – Good question. It’s fat because I have been eating out of control for a long time. It’s fat because I haven’t stuck to any kind of exercise. It’s fat because I’ve stuffed my face with food whenever life got too difficult, emotions took over, or I felt otherwise betrayed, treated unfairly, or sad.

“You would feel and look better if you only lost a little bit of weight” – Well yeah, I think that, too, but I can’t turn the thoughts into consistent action and, really, when I hear those words, I want to go and eat even more.

“Do you have something else to wear?” – translation: you look fat in what you are wearing. I can’t even disagree. I do look frumpy and pretty much rotate 3-5 outfits that still look semi-presentable. When I actually go clothes shopping, a rare occasion to begin with, I want to cry in the dressing room. Clothes don’t look nice on me, not even clothes in plus sizes. Immediately, I want to go home and eat something because I don’t feel that change is possible.

“You can make time and go to the gym” – I can totally make a plan in my head. I can even pack my gym clothes and arrange my schedule so that I could, in theory, go. But then life happens, and by the time 5pm rolls around, I’m tired, frustrated, and angry. And, ridiculously, I feel fat and embarrassed to go to the gym. I get that the whole point of going to the gym is to work out and feel better; I have not been able to do it. Once I get home, I am done.

“You just need to start eating healthier” – I get that, too. I get it all. I really do. I just can’t seem to stick to anything for long enough to make a difference and motivate me to continue on. I’ve eliminated sugar, but went back to eating everything sugar, and I mean EVERYTHING, three weeks later. I felt good without it; when life gets stressful, though, it is so much easier to just grab a candy bar and forgo any sort of meal.

Needless to say, all the little and some not so little comments have left me feeling defeated. I no longer look in the mirror and feel good about myself. I no longer wake up in the morning, ready for work. I wake up dreading finding something in my closet that fits. I wake up already stressing about what I should or should not eat. I wake up tired and exhausted, looking forward to going back to bed that night. I avoid social situations, I have withdrawn from friends, and I an envious of any and all women that seem to have their act together more than I do.

We spent the afternoon at the beach today. It was 80+ degrees outside and everybody else was seemingly happily enjoying themselves in the water. And here I am, sitting at the shore in my frumpy skirt and tight t-shirt. I would have loved to splash in the water with my kids, try the paddle board, relax on the float. But no, I was too ashamed to put a swimsuit on…story of my life.

It saddens me that I’m missing out on life. There has to be more to life than what my life currently revolves around. I want to model good life habits for my two little people and, most of all, I just want to be happy. I want to wake up energized. I want to feel confident and beautiful, and I want to enjoy life.

Since this is about no excuses, I am going to embrace life differently. I am turning blogging to deal with my frustrations and committing to making healthier choices. I won’t be perfect, I know that, but I will be more intentional. Enough is enough and I have had it. I miss my life the way it was 10 years ago. I am not willing to spend the next 10 years wishing for a different life. I am taking charge. I am worth it and so are my husband and my kids. I am doing this for me. I can do it!