This is it!

When is enough actually enough? I thought that I had reached my lowest low several times over the past six months, but that was not the case, as I am still sitting here on the evening of August 15, contemplating how in the world I can commit to sticking to a healthier diet and exercise regime. Instead of motivating me to change my habits, these comments and feelings have pushed me further and further into an unhealthy state of mind, a lack of self-love and self-respect, and overall sadness.

“Mom, why is your stomach so fat?’ – Good question. It’s fat because I have been eating out of control for a long time. It’s fat because I haven’t stuck to any kind of exercise. It’s fat because I’ve stuffed my face with food whenever life got too difficult, emotions took over, or I felt otherwise betrayed, treated unfairly, or sad.

“You would feel and look better if you only lost a little bit of weight” – Well yeah, I think that, too, but I can’t turn the thoughts into consistent action and, really, when I hear those words, I want to go and eat even more.

“Do you have something else to wear?” – translation: you look fat in what you are wearing. I can’t even disagree. I do look frumpy and pretty much rotate 3-5 outfits that still look semi-presentable. When I actually go clothes shopping, a rare occasion to begin with, I want to cry in the dressing room. Clothes don’t look nice on me, not even clothes in plus sizes. Immediately, I want to go home and eat something because I don’t feel that change is possible.

“You can make time and go to the gym” – I can totally make a plan in my head. I can even pack my gym clothes and arrange my schedule so that I could, in theory, go. But then life happens, and by the time 5pm rolls around, I’m tired, frustrated, and angry. And, ridiculously, I feel fat and embarrassed to go to the gym. I get that the whole point of going to the gym is to work out and feel better; I have not been able to do it. Once I get home, I am done.

“You just need to start eating healthier” – I get that, too. I get it all. I really do. I just can’t seem to stick to anything for long enough to make a difference and motivate me to continue on. I’ve eliminated sugar, but went back to eating everything sugar, and I mean EVERYTHING, three weeks later. I felt good without it; when life gets stressful, though, it is so much easier to just grab a candy bar and forgo any sort of meal.

Needless to say, all the little and some not so little comments have left me feeling defeated. I no longer look in the mirror and feel good about myself. I no longer wake up in the morning, ready for work. I wake up dreading finding something in my closet that fits. I wake up already stressing about what I should or should not eat. I wake up tired and exhausted, looking forward to going back to bed that night. I avoid social situations, I have withdrawn from friends, and I an envious of any and all women that seem to have their act together more than I do.

We spent the afternoon at the beach today. It was 80+ degrees outside and everybody else was seemingly happily enjoying themselves in the water. And here I am, sitting at the shore in my frumpy skirt and tight t-shirt. I would have loved to splash in the water with my kids, try the paddle board, relax on the float. But no, I was too ashamed to put a swimsuit on…story of my life.

It saddens me that I’m missing out on life. There has to be more to life than what my life currently revolves around. I want to model good life habits for my two little people and, most of all, I just want to be happy. I want to wake up energized. I want to feel confident and beautiful, and I want to enjoy life.

Since this is about no excuses, I am going to embrace life differently. I am turning blogging to deal with my frustrations and committing to making healthier choices. I won’t be perfect, I know that, but I will be more intentional. Enough is enough and I have had it. I miss my life the way it was 10 years ago. I am not willing to spend the next 10 years wishing for a different life. I am taking charge. I am worth it and so are my husband and my kids. I am doing this for me. I can do it!