Why Weight Loss Surgery?

I have continued to struggle with weight since my last post, although I will say that I was able to eliminate sugar and most processed foods for close to three weeks, leaving me feeling better and healthier. However, I was, as usual the case, not able to maintain this lifestyle and have fallen back into the "oh well, it's too late now anyway, so I might as well eat" state of mind. This has only gotten worse over the holidays and today, January 1, I weighed in at 238 pounds. While that is 4 pounds less than my highest weight in August, it is 5 pounds more than what I weight before birthing two children and certainly much above anything close to healthy. In fact, according to my BMI, I fall into the Obese I class. And yes, I know that BMI isn't everything; in my case, however, it is pretty accurate. And although I have always tried to find proof that would show that I'm not THAT heavy, there really is no denying it. I am fat, and I have to change something about it. I am not longer willing to live a lonely life because of the way I feel and look. I am no longer willing to hide. I want to live. Life is not over; there is much left to live for.

Several other twin moms have successfully completed gastric bypass and gastric sleeve surgeries. They look stunning and, at least according to Facebook, live great lives. And we all know that Facebook is REAL! Ha, no seriously, I am a leader in many ways, but also a follower in many more ways. When I see others succeed, my competitive nature sets in. I want to do not just the same, I want to do better! If they can do it, why can't I? And so I will.

I have unsuccessfully dieted for the past 15 years. I have developed a truly unhealthy relationship with food. It is time to end that relationship. I'm breaking up with emotional eating, stress eating, and eating out of boredom. But I can't do it on my own. Believe me, I have tried. I have been on any and all diets out there...from cabbage soup, to Weight Watchers, to HcG, to low carb/high protein...if it exists, I've tried it. And although sometimes there were small successes, I was not able to maintain any kind of loss long-term. In fact, true to the promise of yo-yo dieting, I gained everything back and then some. I need a tool that won't do the work for me entirely, but that will help me make better choices.

What will this all look like? I am learning as I'm going. Right now, I know this: I paid my deposit to secure a surgery date for sleeve gastrectomy. During the procedure, my stomach will be significantly reduced. This will force me to eat less, change my food choices, and be more intentional about what I put in my mouth. Because my BMI isn't high enough (isn't that pathetic...."you're not fat enough for weight loss surgery"), my insurance does not cover bariatric surgery. So, I am traveling to Mexico for the procedure, to Tijuana to be more specific. I have followed a Facebook group for some time now and feel 100% confident (most days) that this is the right decision for me. This is not the beginning of the end...this is truly the beginning of the best years of my life yet. I do have worries about the trip and what might follow afterwards and will address those in a future post. For now, just trust me when I say that I have spent many hours thinking about, wrestling with myself, researching, and talking to others about what options I have. This is the first step in finding my new self.

Your support is greatly appreciated, but not necessarily required. I know that there will be some (perhaps many) who will say that I just haven't tried hard enough. There might be others who call me crazy for traveling to a foreign country and putting my life in the hands of some Mexican doctors who I have never met before. My hope, however, is that there are many of you who can understand the struggles that I have faced for so many years. I'm strong on the outside and don't share my inner thoughts with many so these struggles might come as a surprise to many of you. I'm not proud of my struggles, not proud of the thoughts that I have on a daily basis. I hope that you can find compassion and empathy for the challenges I have experienced and might continue to experience as I go through this journey. I hope that you will ask questions, that you will show kindness and patience, and that you will allow me to adjust to my new self, whatever that might look like. If you cannot be supportive, I simply ask that you keep your thoughts to yourself. Start a blog yourself, if you want...it's refreshing! Don't pretend that you understand or care when you don't; but, if you can relate to the struggles, reach out to me and connect with me. It's a lonely life, and I wish I had connected with others much sooner.

My journey starts with a pre-op diet (hopefully the last one ever!) on February 4, followed by surgery on February 18. The countdown to the new me is on!

New Years Eve 2016